Three Thousand Years of Longing film review

I went and saw this at a Wednesday afternoon matinee with my 89 y/o dad. He knew absolutely nothing about it going in. And he enjoyed it (I did, too, btw), commenting on the walk back to the car after the screening that it was “an adult fairy tale.”

That pretty much sums up the film.

If you go in expecting some Mad Max mayhem, given George Miller's best known cinematic pedigree, well you’re gonna be disappointed; it has more in common with The Princess Bride than Fury Road.

As for me, I dug it. The narrative structure is really cool, the acting from Swinton and Elba is solid, the pacing is even, and the direction is artfully restrained.

While arguments could be made that it succumbs to the “magical negro” trope, one could just as easily say it embraces the “white savior” trope, too. If such is the case, those two tropes pretty much cancel each other out. Personally, I didn’t feel that the film’s story succumbed to either.

Honestly, the film is more of a veiled “chick flick” bathed in neo macho accoutrements.

So, if you enjoy rich romantic fantasies with a dark and mysterious edge, then this will be right up your alley.

P.S.

I have not read the source material, so no clue as to how faithful it is…

RIYL: The Princess Bride; The Fall; 300; The Brothers Grimm

In Motion: Bodies Bodies Bodies film review

Imagine Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None crossed with Bret Easton Ellis’s Less Than Zero, yet teeming with blaring electro rap and aimed squarely at Millennials and Gen-Zers weened on social media.

That pretty much sums up B3.

Which isn’t to say an aging Gen-Xer can’t have fun watching it. Just don’t expect it to reinvent the slasher as an uber meta self-referential masterpiece a la Scream.

On the whole this is a fast paced murder mystery that effectively uses music to create moods of tension and unease (props to the score by Disasterpiece, who oh so obviously ripped a few pages out of John Carpenter’s sonic playbook).

The only glitches come in the form of a groan worthy plot device that’s on par with the rusty nail in A Quiet Place and the fact that the satire isn’t mean and nasty enough; the digs at TikTok shackled youth of the world are pretty tame and could have done with a bit more barb (pro tip: watch Annihilation Nation for an example of sharp social commentary and aggressive triggers).

Perhaps not on par with A24’s other horror fare—Hereditary, Midsommar, Men, etc.—but it’s a fun end-of-summer diversion.

No. Just No. The Nope film review

The title says it all.

As in:

You The Movie Loving Public: “Hey Spence, is Nope worth seeing?”

Me: “Nope.”

Further elaboration:

In regards to writer/director Jordan Peele, I thought Get Out was okay. I really dug Us.

Nope, however, is all over the place with too many unfinished ideas, thin characters, and a weak reveal that is neither scary, horrifying, or gory.

There are several scenes meant to be scary that look like people playing in a jump house or doing interpretive dance with parachutes (if you've seen the cult film The Death Bed, well the effects are on part with the silk sheets of suffocation...).

It’s like a kid with ADHD watched Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Super 8 and said “I can do better,” but then didn’t.

The underlying theme is that animals can’t be tamed, but it fails to even really elaborate on that with any semblance of creativity, let alone horror.

Peele might be this generation’s M. Night…And the internet pundit (oh, my bad, "critic") who exclaimed that Jordan Peele is the greatest horror director ever is an idiot who obviously hasn’t seen enough horror films.

You know a film is crap when even the presence of Keith David and Michael Wincott (!) can’t save it. 

Rage in the Cage - The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent film review

This movie is stupid.

And by that I mean stupid(ly) entertaining.

It's smart in all the right places and hilariously dumb in all the other right places.

While the whole meta action hero shtick is nothing new--Arnie kind of gave it a go in The Last Action Hero and Jean-Claude Van Damme was ahead of the trend with the sublime JCVD--Nic F$%king Cage pretty much goes hellbent for leather and then some here.

The director and screenwriters keep things light and breezy and moving at a breakneck pace. As for Cage? Well, he's firing on all cylinders (and that's something of an understatement).

The plot is ripped straight outta the era when Sly, Bruce, and Arnie (and to a certain extent Steven Seagal, Jean-Claude, and Chuck Norris) ruled the Box Office and Nic gave 'em all a run for their $$$ with Con Air, The Rock, and Face Off. But there's also a heaping dose of ribald comedy a la Leaving Arizona, present here, too.

I laughed, I was thrilled, and now I wanna watch Paddington 2 and The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (you will, too, after viewing this flick).

Viva Nic F$%king Cage!

RIYL: Lethal Weapon; Romancing The Stone; Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle; Dude, Where's My Car; JCVD

Lamb I Am or Immaculate Insheeption [uber short Lamb (2021) film review]

This Icelandic film is worth a watch, especially if you dig glacially paced, detached weirdness drenched in fog and earth tones.

Part dark fairy tale, part folk horror, and part farm noir, it is a slow-burn meditation on familial bonds.

PS: Sheep are freaky AF; I can totally see why Satan adopted them as his animal familar...

RIYL: The Green Knight; Antichrist

Rating: 3.5/5

Bond Becomes Bland: No Time To Die review

 The Short Take:

The new Bond film is kind of bland and rather anti-climatic.

It's not that it's bad, but rather a mediocre pastiche of previous Bond films, specifically On Her Majesty's Secret ServiceOn Her Majesty's, extracts from You Only Live Twice (the novel), and Daniel Craig channeling Connery and Moore.

The story is kind of ho-hum, the villain is lackluster, not enough is done with the new 00--who, btw, is badass--and the ending is thick with maudlin melodrama.

The est part of the film is a sequence taking place in Cuba; Ana de Armas for the win!

I feel that the filmmakers tried too hard to appeal to Bond diehards, but ultimately their collective Walther PPK got jammed up.

Rating: 3/5

Auto(mobile)eroticism: Titane review

Screenwriter/director Julia Ducournau’s sophomore effort won The Palme d’Or at the 2021 Cannes Film Festival. Which just goes to prove that not only are the French adept at making fucked-up films, they are also adept at enjoying them.

Titane is a difficult film; difficult to watch, difficult to grasp. On the one hand it’s a gonzo Greek tragedy. On the other, it’s a Shakespearean mistaken identity melodrama soaked in petrol and dizzy off of exhaust fumes.

One thing for certain: it’s never not engaging.  

Whereas Ducournau’s 2016 debut, Raw, was a twisted coming-of-age story, here she throws a head-spinning array of ideas into the mix. There’s incestual innuendo, hints of homoeroticism, body-horror-meets-womb-horror, feints of Fregoli, steroidal rage, mechanophilia, serial killings, and imposter syndrome fallout, just to name a few of the myriad and deranged themes the story appropriates and hugs tightly to its chest.

The film comes out the gate with a wash of visceral violence that had me cringing, squirming, and muttering “what-the-fuck-what-the-fuck-what-the-fuck?!?” more than once. Then it dips into a strange and unnerving familial drama taking place at a firestation. To say any more would ruin the experience of watching it yourself.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around the entire thing, but I feel that at its core it’s a rumination on loss, getting old, loving cars, and hating your parents. I think.

RIYL: Irreversible; Dead Ringers; Annette 

Rating: 3.5/5