Hermaphrodites, James Bond, and Risque Baby Oil Application: The Never Too Young To Die Film Review

How I managed to go 34 years without seeing this film is the only real travesty here.
This 1986 B-grade action thriller is so gloriously awful that it transcends awesomeness; I mean it reaches near epic levels of gonzo genius and sheer flamboyant insanity. We’re talking poor editing, bad (over) acting, almost a complete lack of exposition, and more often than not, cringe worthy dialogue. Yet when all cobbled together, it works. Hell, If I didn’t know better, I would swear it is meant as an homage (albeit one gone horribly awry) to Saturday matinee serials from the early 1900s. Whatever the case may be, director Gil Bettman and screenwriter Steven Paul crafted one of the seminal red-eye matinee films of all time.
So, what are you in for? How about Vanity prancing around the screen in lingerie, bikinis, and/or torn clothing, as well as one extended scene of her slathering herself in oil). Or John Stamos resplendent in the most spectacular bouffant mullet you’ve ever seen.
Still not convinced? Well, then there’s Gene Simmons--in drag no less--chewing the scenery with mouth watering gusto every chance he’s given. Plus there are cameos from a former James Bond and Freddy Kruger. Top it all off with Road Warrior cribbed costume design and plenty of Old School practical pyrotechnics (no bullshit CGI here, amigos!), as well as a Corvette-underneath-a-semi stunt that predates The Fast and The Furious by 15-years, and you’ve got one of the greatest B-movie experiences this side of Hell Comes To Frogtown. To say anymore would just deprive you of the grand pleasure of experiencing this forgotten milestone of high-octane low-grade cinema for your ownself.

Rating: 4.5/5
RIYL: Hell Comes To Frogtown; Reno Williams: The Adventure Begins; Runaway

PS
It is currently streaming on Prime (at least as of 4/20/20). Catch it while you can.

The Wild Goose Lake [Film Review]

Iam not 100% sure where I stand on this film.
It is a modern take on the classic "hunted man"/"criminal fugitive" noir trope, complete with duplicitous femme fatale. But there were several continuity/editing gaffes which made some of the narrative a little confusing.
Intense action sequences and high drama moments were buffered by overly long slow periods that could easily have been trimmed.
Great neon saturated cinematography and cool use of shadows and light made it visually stunning, plus it is well acted and the subtitles were readable and seemed on point.

Rating: 3.5/5
RIYL: 
Only God Forgives; Drive; Drug War; The Villainess

Zombi Child [Film Review]

This is one of those films that is simultaneously captivating and irritating, yet because of these conflicting elements, it is undeniably watchable. Also, because of this I am not quite sure what my final takeaway is.
The film is a bit disjointed, not only in its storytelling, but also in yerms of its overall mood. It freely bounces between 1960s Haiti and present day France; the misrepresentation of history seems to be the underlying theme, as well as privileged white people's cultural appropriation.
While the film is visually arresting, the pacing is extremely languid and then bugged out finale leaves more unanswered questions than I care to have left lingering.
Still, an interesting, albeit somewhat frustrating watch.

Rating: 3.5/5

Bacurau [Film Review]

This is a strange, but no less beguiling pastiche of myriad genres, it starts out as a quirky slice-of-life dramedy, then swerves into The Most Dangerous Game territory, before culminating with some small-town-under-siege sensibilities. Obvious debts owed to Johns Sayles and Carpenter.

Rating: 4/5

My Favorite Films Of 2019

So many fools put together "Best Of" lists. But, c'mon, who is really qualified to determine what is "the best"? Especially when it comes to so,ething as subjective as movies. Sure a professional screenwriter with a degree in English can tell you if a script is well written and a professional cinematographer can tell you whether or not a film was shot well, but for the most part us lay type moviegoers like what we like.
So, I have no idea if these were the best films of 2019, but they sure were my favorites out of all the films I viewed over the course of 2019.

(FWIW, I paid to see just about every one of these films and felt I got more than my $ worth in each case)

Climax
Ruben Brandt, Collector
Us
Glass
Dragged Across Concrete
Shazam
Midsommar
The Art of Self Defence
Standoff At Sparrow Creek
Once Upon A Time In Hollywood
Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw
Under The Silver Lake
Peanut Butter Falcon
Monos
First Love (Takashi Miike)
Dolemite Is My Name
Zombieland: Double Tap
The Lighthouse
Jojo Rabbit
Parasite
Motherless Brooklyn
Knives Out
The Irishman
Pain and Glory
Honey Boy
Lucky Day
Little Monsters
Uncut Gems

Fowl Play [Birds of Prey: And The Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn Film Review]

Like its psychotic lead character, BOP: ATFEOOHQ is a manic, crazy, uneven, and over-the-top endeavor. Borrowing several chapters from Tank Girl (the 1995 film), plus a few pages from Deadpool (both films), and the 1960’s Batman television show, it unfurls as a loud, brash, and obnoxious film dominated by a blaring soundtrack and bravura performance from Margot Robbie. Sure, it has its moments, but more often than not gets bogged down by too many deja vu elements (both visually and story-wise).
But Robbie. Oh man. She is simply delicious, even though she’s channelling Lori Petty’s cinematic incarnation of Rebecca Buck something fierce (albeit as if jacked up on meth). Right behind Robbie is Jurnee Smollett-Bell, who smolders and kicks serious ass as Black Canary. The rest of the cast, however, just feels like generic filler. Mary Elizabeth Winstead as the Huntress is wooden and Ella Jay Basco as Cassandra Cain never really blossoms. And let me not fail to mention Ewan McGregor’s tediously one-dimensional villain; a whining, sociopathic man-child with nary an iota of originality whatsoever. Additionally there’s a parade of generic henchmen who populate the background adding scant flavor to the bland pot of tertiary characters populating the film.
Adding to this lackluster menagerie is a rather thin story-line, a ho-hum plot that mainly works as a thin veneer for Robbie’s antics; I personally expected a bit more sly humor and intellectual asides. What few “clever” jokes do exist often fall flat (the whole Rosie Perez 1980s bad TV cop schtick, for example).
Thankfully the film moves along at a brisk pace, rarely letting you take a breath to realize the mundanity of it all. Likewise, the look of the film is all neon pastel and vintage MTV music video excess (there’s a great “Material Girl” era Madonna dream sequence along with other kinetic visual flair).
And have I mentioned Margot Robbie? She’s a firecracker, that one.
Of course this wouldn’t be a “superhero” film without action and there’s plenty of that. At times the fight sequences are mildly ingenious in their choreography, though several smack of John Wick lightness; others just feel tepid and routine. That said, the roller derby finale is kinda cool, a PoMo punk update on the Indiana Jones truck chase (or perhaps it’s meant as an ode to Rollerball and Solarbabies?).
While largely trying a bit too hard to be snarky and mean-cute, overall it’s a somewhat mindlessly entertaining diversion, a hyper glossy film that slides by the eyes with ease and might just possibly gain minor cult status a few years from now.
One thing is for certain: it’s quite a bit better than Suicide Squad was.
Oh, and Margot Robbie; in the end, Harley Quinn has her way as Robbie saves the day.

Rating: 3 out of 5
RIYL: Tank Girl; Thor: Ragnarok; Deadpool

A Case Of The Crabs [THE HIKE Book Review]

The Hike - Drew Magary
This was a random purchase at the local used bookstore (Grassroots in Reno). The bright cover grabbed my attention along with the NPR pullquote likening it to "early, good Chuck Palahniuk..." (though, admittedly, I don't see that connection at all! 😎).
Within the first few chapters it gleefully mashes up elements of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Jack and the Beanstock, Hansel and Gretel, The Wizard of Oz, Kafka, and The Incredible Mr. Limpet, and Robert Frost, amongst other allusions...
The writing can be clunky in spots, but the overall absurdity and genuine WTF? moments keep things moving briskly.
It's like a grown-up version of Ready Player One aimed at the married man with kids approaching a mid-life crisis. Granted, I am neither married nor have kids, but it still resonates as it is ultimately about getting older and dealing with harbored regrets.